Brian Williams: Good evening and welcome to MSNBC’s continuing coverage of the Republican National Convention live from the Quicken Loans Arena here in Cleveland, Ohio. I’m Brian Williams.
Rachel Maddow: And I’m Rachel Maddow. Brian, tonight, we’ve been hearing from lots of people who know Trump, and they’ve been sharing stories that show a personal side of Trump they say many on the outside don’t get to see.
BW: Indeed, Rachel, last night on this stage, there was soap actress Kimberlin Brown’s amusing story about a dinner party at Mar-A-Lago during which Trump had everyone play charades—
RM: –Forced. I believe she said forced them to play charades—
BW: Yes. And Trump proved he was no quitter, playing well into the wee hours until he won all the trophies. Apparently, even guest Vladimir Putin threw in the towel saying, “Just give it to him, already! I want to go to bed.” Paul Manafort, as Trump’s campaign manager, what do you say about that?
Paul Manafort: Well, I think the story humanized him. Just like the skin suit he wears. The one made out of women.
BW: Because…the women are human?
PM: Well, not anymore, Brian. Technically, they’re now a suit.
RM: Let’s…move on. Mr. Manafort, the campaign has come under fire for issues of plagiarism and permissions. In addition to the controversy surrounding Melania’s appropriation of Michelle Obama’s Democratic Convention speech, there has been the repeated use of music from bands who have refused permission.
PM: Well, Rachel, when bands say no, they really mean yes.
PM: Those songs should not have put themselves out there on the radio, dressed like that. It’s just common sense. They were asking for it.
BW: What about Melania Trump’s speech? She lifted an entire paragraph from the First Lady’s speech from 2008.
PM: Frankly, Brian, Michelle Obama should thank Melania Trump.
BW: Uh…how so?
PM: Melania made the speech a “crossover hit” with white Republican audiences who just are not familiar with concepts like African-American female lawyers with degrees from Princeton and Harvard Law who can also throw down at Carpool Karaoke with Missy Elliot. Melania made Michelle Obama famous, to use another Melania quote.
RM: Pretty sure that’s Kanye West. And no, she didn’t.
PM: Yes, she did.
RM: Literally did not.
PM: Rachel, we’d like to invoke the My Little Pony defense.
RM: There’s no such thing.
PM: There is now. We just said it. No take backs.
BW: I think we can all agree that it speaks volumes about this election and what it says is, “Start readying your Canadian visas.” You know, Rachel, one of the things Americans have to ask themselves, after they’ve poured their morning vodka and had a good long cry into a godless universe that has long since forgotten about their pain, is what will a Trump presidency look like. Can you walk us through that, Paul?
PM: It’s going to be the first Reality TV presidency. It’s going to be terrific. We’ve already got Gene Simmons and Kris Jenner on board to star in the first season. And Wayne Newton will open the casino.
BW: The casino?
PM: Yes, Brian, the White House is a casino now.
RM: Excuse me, sorry to interrupt, gentlemen, but the next speaker is taking the stage. This is…Immortan Joe. He is listed as “Lord of the Citadel and Commander of the War Boys.” He is a veteran of both the Oil and Water Wars, so he’s got experience with what we’re going to look like in another ten years after the collapse when we are all foraging in drainage ditches for GMO-infected food scraps and drinking our own urine to survive. According to Beltway Insiders, Trump has promised to make him Chancellor of the new Handmaid’s Tale division. It says Immortan Joe combines the “feel-good” factor of Cormac McCarthy combined with the swingy insouciance of 1970s-era J.G. Ballard.
BW: I understand the person who used “insouciance” has been shot.
RM: That’s confirmed. That word has been flagged by Trump’s Ministry of Elitism as “foreign, possibly socialist” and so has been taken out of all the dictionaries. Most words have, Brian.
BW: Yes, Rachel, but we still get “incredible” “terrible” “loser” “so great” “Yuuge” and “Shake-n-Bake-faced Muppet-wig.” I can tell you, attacking dictionaries is not going to sit well with intellectual freedom-fighting librarians, Rachel.
RM: The libraries are on fire, Brian. They were the first to go.
BW: *clears throat* Right. Now, we have the national anthem as sung by Governor Scott Walker of Wisconsin. Says he’s been singing a long time, since grade school, where he was taught music by his beloved third grade teacher, Mrs. Gillivray. According to Governor Walker, “Mrs. Gillivray was the first person to encourage me and make me feel like I could achieve my dreams. She was the best.” Well, I sure hope she’s watching tonight, Rachel.
RM: Brian, she can’t. Mrs. Gillivray has been living in a box under an overpass since Gov. Walker KO’d the teacher’s union.
BW: Well. That’s a shame. *pause* Governor Walker certainly has a lovely baritone. *pause* I don’t remember the words “Death to our enemies” in Francis Scott Key’s original. Are those words a new addition, Rachel?
RM: Yes, Brian. It joins, “TrumpAmerica™, the Beautiful, Okay?” and “It’s a Grand Old Flag Which I Will Defend with My Open-Carry AK-47, Pew-Pew-Pew.”
BW: Rachel, let’s take a moment to talk to this fellow over here. This is a fun thing—Republicans for Pokemon Go! What’s your name, sir?”
Kevin: Uh, Kevin. Wait, are you wearing a wire?
BW: We’re with MSNBC. You are catching Pokemon here on the convention floor, sir?
K: Yes. And then deporting them.
RM: I…I’m sorry?
K: It’s called Pokemon Go! Pokemon Must Go. Gotta catch ‘em all. Gotta send ‘em back. We’re orchestrating a Pikachexit.
RM: Why are you deporting Pokemon exactly?
K: They’re undocumented! Bulbasaur. Alakazam. Gengar. Charizard. Those are not American names. There’s no screening process for these Pokemon.
RM: Actually, there is, sir. They only exist on a screen. Because they’re virtual. They’re not real. They’re…Pokemon.
K: That’s what they want you to believe. Report them! We’re on to you, Pikachu! You won’t put me to sleep, Jigglypuff!
RM: Brian, I want to direct your attention to that area in the upper left behind us. It appears they’ve put Ted Cruz in a dunking booth and they’re using baseballs with Antonin Scalia’s face on them to drop the Senator from Texas into a pit where he’s forced to wrestle alligators before climbing his way back up.
BW: That’s gotta hurt, Rachel. And that water must be cold by now.
RM: There’s no water, Brian. It’s just an open pit that reaches all the way to the depths of Mordor. We do expect the Balrog to give his endorsement sometime this evening. Brian, let’s go back to the stage. Chris Christie has just given his speech. Many at home watching may have seen him blink out “Please free me. They’ve got my family” in Morse code. And now you see Trump’s VP pick, Mike Pence, from Indiana, waving to the crowd. Paul Manafort, what should people know about Mike Pence that they don’t know already?
PM: Well, he’s a plainspoken man with a sunny disposition, what people call “Indiana Nice.” Whenever people talk about Mike Pence, they always preface their remarks with “Well, he’s a nice guy.” Like, “Well, he’s a nice guy…who also wants to deport all Muslims.” “He’s a nice guy who also just happens to hate gay people and support legislation making it okay to discriminate against them.” “He’s a nice guy who wants to force women to have funerals for their miscarriages.”
RM: Brian, do you still have that bottle of vodka in your briefcase?
BW: I do, Rachel. You should know I added a morphine kicker to it.
RM: Delicious. Pour Mama a big tumbler of that, will ya?
BW: I would, but my arms no longer work. I’ve had half the bottle.
BW: Uh-oh. Looks like there’s some kind of commotion breaking out on the convention floor. Let’s go to our correspondent, Katy Tur. Katy, can you tell us what’s happening down there?
Katy Tur: Yes, Brian and Rachel—the delegates from, ah, from, shit! From Texas, led by Immortan Joe and his War Boys—Hey! Don’t touch me!—are, um, are roasting and eating protestors right here. It’s…it’s absolute carnage, you guys. The fire is…out of control…and the smell of burning flesh, oh god, I’m…I’m gonna vomit…
BW: Well, Immortan Joe said he’d get straight to work, and he appears to be a man of his word, Rachel. We’ll get back to you for an update later, Katy—
KT: No! You can’t leave me down here with them, you fuckers! Get me out! Wait! Wait—No! I’m not with the media! I’m…I’m with ESPN! ESPN! Sprechen ze ESPN? Sports? You like sports?
RM: Katy? Katy?
BW: She’s used a zip line to escape. She’s resourceful. But it looks like we’ve got some technical difficulties? The video screen has gone completely dark.
RM: It’s committed suicide, Brian. It left a note. The speeches will now be accompanied by a continuous Chuck Norris loop on a giant Viewmaster.
BW: Loved his work in Total Gym Fit. The man knows his way around an infomercial.
RM: Brian, the moment everyone has been waiting for is here. Donald Trump has arrived via a golden litter carried on the shoulders of Marco Rubio and John Kasich. There’s a giant egg-shaped chrysalis balanced atop the litter from which, one assumes, Mr. Trump will emerge.
BW: He is accompanied by Rudy Giuliani’s Rage Against the Machine dancers who wowed the crowds on Monday night with their dance routine to The Clash’s “Rock the Casbah” complete with video of a ghostly Joe Strummer sobbing. The former Mayor of New York City out in front there, acting as dance captain, surprisingly nimble for a man of seventy-two. Have to say, the red-white-and-blue sequined unitard is a surprise.
RM: As are the full splits. That’s a…daring choice.
BW: Rachel, it seems he’s stuck? I can see the stage crew readying the Medivac.
RM: Meanwhile, Brian, Donald Trump has emerged from his fog-filled chrysalis. It seems he is now an enormous orange slime monster-praying mantis hybrid.
BW: That would explain the egg sac.
RM: Indeed. You can see the pincer claws at the ends of his long, molting, and, frankly, quite disturbing arms.
BW: Rachel, we’re getting word that we should now refer to Donald Trump as Overlord Trump of Planet Earth.
RM: Oh my goodness: Overlord Trump has just eaten the head of Rudy Giuliani. It’s playing very well with the crowd, though. They are chanting, “USA! USA! USA!”
BW: The road crew are just attaching the voice box Overlord Trump will need to speak to us tonight in human tones. Their work done, the road crew has now become food. According to MSNBC entomologists, Overlord Trump will need to feed fairly often to sustain the energy needed for a tough campaign.
RM: This crowd is on their feet. The base is fired up. This is what they’ve waited for—a unifying speech from an alien life form bent on complete annihilation. You see there Overlord Trump thanking the crowd using his pincer claws.
BW: Or possibly threatening them with those pincer claws. It’s hard to tell.
They’re really tiny.