How Not to Write a Screenplay

fire typewriter

My interpretation of the screenplay I’m now writing:


CHARACTER ONE: Here is that information you seek. Let me summarize it for you. It’ll only take, oh, a four complete pages. “Blah-de-blah-de-blah. Long history of cult. Drugs. Murder. XL Creepy. Blah-de-blah.”

CHARACTER TWO: Non-sequitur comedy line. (beat) That was a lot of portentous maiming. We needed funny.

CHARACTER ONE:  Hold on, there, Sparky: Here’s some more shit you didn’t know about that cult. Blah-de-blah-de-blah, offerings, rituals, telemarketing for the Anti-Christ, Cher songs.

HOT CHARACTER: Wait! Not the cult that did X during the time period Y? The one that swore VENGEANCE UPON OUR SOULS!!!!!

CHARACTER ONE: The same. Would you like to hear more? Okay, here goes…

HOT CHARACTER: I believe it is time to take my shirt off now.

CHARACTER TWO: Excuse me! Question: I am noticing something that I’d like you also to notice. Should I say, “Angle on” or “Reveal”? Also, can you tell that my humor is a mask for my sad because of the way that I constantly bite my lip and laugh but then stop suddenly, my eyes brimming with the moist?

HOT CHARACTER: My shirt is off. Just saying.

CHARACTER ONE: Oh, also, I forgot to tell you these other things about the cult: Blah-de-blah-blah, pentacles, pendants, soul-containing, ShamWow, haunted Tostitos, blah, blah, blah.

HOT CHARACTER: No, really. I can do this thing with my pecs. Watch.

CHARACTER TWO: So is that “Angle on” pecs or…OMG. You are so shirtless.

CHARACTER ONE: They didn’t say “OMG” in the 1920s.

CHARACTER TWO: Fine. “1920s OMG!” Angle on: Your hotness.

CHARACTER ONE: Wait…did we ever tell the people who Diviners are?

CHARACTER TWO: Not caring. Do that thing again, where you make them jump.

HOT CHARACTER: Do you think it’s appropriate for me to be shirtless for the rest of the movie?

CHARACTER TWO: I’m sure it’s fine. They did that a lot in the Jazz Age. It was a nipple-rich decade.

CHARACTER ONE: I’m staring at a thing. It’s important. That’s why I’m staring. Do you notice that I’m staring at it? Do you see it? The thing that’s important? Because my eyes hurt. From the staring. At the thing. Which is important.

CHARACTER TWO: Oh, applesauce. When do we drink?

CHARACTER ONE: (losing hope) All the time.

CHARACTER TWO: Now I finally know why.

HOT CHARACTER: Ha! Did you see that? Made the other one jump! I never get tired of that.





5 thoughts on “How Not to Write a Screenplay

  1. I would go see this movie. In costume. Not sure if I’d dress as a certain shirtless fellow or an artistically costumed interpretation of “oh, applesauce”, though. Either way, I’d probably be asked to leave the theatre.

    In other news, this is brilliant and I’m terribly excited about the prospect of a film!

  2. OMG! I am so seeing this movie! But it needs some bicep flexes to go with the pecs (just saying).

    p.s. Can we all go see the movie dressed in period costume? Like people dress up for Rocky Horror Picture Show, but without the transvestites and leather?

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