The Birthday Blog

March 11th has rolled around again, signaling that it’s time for the annual birthday blog.

One of my favorite cheesy things to do on my birthday is read a gazillion of those “You Born Today” thingies. My mom always sends me the one from my hometown newspaper (Thanks, Mom.) I usually pick up the tabloids and see what they say about those of us born on March 11th. (Hey, John Barrowman! I see you, Joel & Benji Madden. What up, Bobby McFerrin? Okay, stop showing off. I know you can make your voice do inhuman things.)

So here’s a round-up of those “you born today” posts. My commentary is in parentheses:

From Cafeastrology:
If You Were Born Today, March 11, you were born wise, and your intuition is exceptional (Well, natch. Of course, if my intuition is so exceptional, I might not have jabbed my leg on the end of the bed. Twice. Ouch.). However, your emotional ups and downs tend to be many until you learn to focus your energies. (Me? I’m a font of focu—ooh, look! Cake!) Getting a handle on this inner restlessness is crucial to success. You like to have many things going at once (just like criminals), and many of you have more than one profession or occupation (just like criminals, part deux). You might often find yourself acting on emotional whims (More cake!). Balancing your mind and your emotional instincts is an important challenge for you in this lifetime. You are exceptionally caring and loving. (Awww….) Famous people born today: Lawrence Welk (only the hippest for me), Douglas Adams (Epic Score!!!), Thora Birch (Shout-out to “Ghost World.”).

From the Daily Athenaeum:
BORN TODAY: This year you have many opportunities for change and heading in a positive direction (I’m liking this one so far). You will be much happier as you launch into a new life cycle (A new life cycle. Does this mean I get to jump into, say, being Beyonce or something? Do I need special fabric care in this new life cycle?). You could discover how content you are when taking a proactive stance (Wha???). You could be amazed by your affirmative behavior (Just say Yes!). If you are single, you will be surrounded by potential suitors (How ya like me now, Babies?). You will have to work at staying single (If ya like me then ya shoulda put a ring on it. Like the hubby did.). Others will be envious of your many admirers. (Unless those many admirers are serial killers and creditors.) If you are attached, the two of you might have a disagreement about how to lead your daily life (“Toilet paper roll goes over!” “No, it goes under!”). But because of your especially upbeat personality, the two of you can hop over any problem (Wow. I’m upbeat AND nimble. Awesomesauce). AQUARIUS makes a great healer (Paging all Aquarians).

From Birthscopes.com
The person born on this day is ruled by the Moon. In the Pisces realm this would make the female and the male born on this day completely different because of the feminine aspect of the moon. (Not to mention a few other minor details. Hello, ovaries!) Both born on this day are creative and noumenal (Yeah, I had to look it up, too. From freedictionaryonline.com: In the philosophy of Kant, an object as it is in itself independent of the mind, as opposed to a phenomenon. Also called thing-in-itself.// I am so a thing in itself. Or a thing outside of itself, which makes buying clothes tough.) which would make them sharp in the business world, but that’s were the similarities of the genders ends. The female of this sign is dedicated to her work, family and friends. She uses her convictions and magnetic personality to succeed in an ethical way. (Slick! Hit me five—up high, down low.) The male on the other hand does not have the mother aspect of the Moon that is so well intertwined with the female born on this day, which would make the male born on this day a selfish, get rich quick scammer and he would probably sell his own mother to make or save a buck. (Oooh, harsh.) Along with this the male born on this day has an envious streak to last a life time. So they will try to squash people that know more or are better at something than them. Not to mention the narcissist trait that the male born on this day possesses. Note: This is only one interpretation, your chart may differ!

(Um, I’m guessing somebody at birthscopes.com dated a male Pisces born March 11th and it did not go well. Just a hunch. Then again, Rupert Murdoch was born today, so, you know. Maybe not too far off the mark. LOVE the note at the end! Translation: You might not be a total scum-sucking, disreputable pig who doesn’t deserve to live. Not sure till I see your rising sign. But you’re on birthday notice anyway, jerkface.)

This one from Astrology.com wasn’t a You Born Today, but it was under the headline “Scandalous Pisces!” and I could not resist:
Oh, you Pisces people are a soulful crew. Some of you are so spiritually attuned that you should be running for sainthood. (Wait, we can run for sainthood now? Dude, I’m so trying out for that this year! I want some bling in my crown of thorns, though. Something tasteful, though, along with my Canonize This t-shirt.) Even though you tend to be wise beyond your years (oh, go on!), you still have to go through your twenties! (Been there, done that.) And having a strong moral conscience doesn’t stop you from doing your share of outrageous behavior. (Uh…who have you been talking to? That story about breaking into the hot tub is not true. Ish.)
Speaking of which, these are some of my fave shocking moments in Piscean history.
1. Pisces Jessica Biel played a woman who works the stripper pole and cracks eggs on her chest to raise money for her sick son. (What’s scandalous is that anybody thought that would be sexy. Seriously? Was she all, “Hi, I’ll strip for you but first, how do you like your eggs?”)
2. Remember when Pisces Drew Barrymore flashed her bare bosoms at David Letterman on his show back in 1995? That was awesome! Such a free spirited, impulsive little fish that Drew! (If I ever get to meet her, that is exactly how I will start off: “Come here and give me a big hug you free-spirited, impulsive little fish, you!”)
3. Pisces Elizabeth Taylor — ok, remember when she got married and then married again and then married again and then married again, and then married again, and then married again and then married again and then married again? (Your point? It’s La Liz. The normal rules do not apply.)
4. Pisces Liza Minnelli married her manager David Gest, taped on episode of a reality TV show and then bailed on both the show and one year later the man who turned around and sued her for 10 million dollars. Remember how crazy that whole situation was? (Ha. Good times. Good times. You know, like those drug-and-alcohol-fueled, gold-digging Crazytown marriages always are.)

Well thanks for the memories you sexy Pisces divas! (You’re welcome, astrology.com. And let’s just keep that little bowling escapade in Austin to ourselves, okay?)

From GeorgiaNicholsOnline:

Science fiction writer Douglas Adams (1952-2001) shares your birthday today (As stated before: W00t!). You’re shrewd and insightful (Look: This is my shrewd and insightful look. Sometimes people confuse it with my slightly constipated look as they are very similar.). You like to keep current and abreast of the times (Ain’t it the truth, Georgia. But let’s leave my breasts out of it). In fact, many of you actually work in the media. You’re competitive both personally and professionally (Really? You think so? Let’s put that to the test. Best two out of three.). You work hard to get recognition (*Sigh* So hard, Georgia. So, so hard. And still Clive Owen does not return my calls.). You can always trust your gut instincts (My gut instinct says it’s time for cake.). This year might be one of the most powerful years of your life. Dream big! (I WILL become a figure skater! It’s never too late!)

From The New York Post (This is the only day of the year I buy the Post. You’re welcome, Rupert.)
You must be willing to change the habits of a lifetime over the coming 12 months. Just because you have grown used to certain things being done in certain ways does not mean it should go on like that forever. (So harsh, Sally Brompton? What’s wrong with Doritos and coffee for breakfast? Somebody’s gotta do it, and I’m running for sainthood this year, so I’m willing to take that nutritional bullet for the rest. Sheesh.)

From the New York Daily News:
Happy Birthday, Pisces! (Always a nice way to start.) You have charisma and an energetic enthusiasm for life. This is a time when you can begin to lay the foundation to help achieve prosperity. Transform your life by going after your dreams! (I like you, Jennifer Angel. I do. P.S. Maybe you should have a talk with Sally Brompton. She gave the grumpies.)

How about a little music history to round things out:

From This Day in Music.com:

1978, French singer Claude Francois was electrocuted changing a light bulb while standing in his bathtub. (I am hoping to have a better day than Mr. Francois.)

And this:
1978, The debut single from Kate Bush, ‘Wuthering Heights’ a song inspired by the Emily Bronte novel, started a four-week run at No.1 on the UK singles chart. Record company, EMI had originally chosen another track, ‘James and the Cold Gun’ as the lead single, but Bush was determined that ‘Wuthering Heights’ would be the first release from the album. (This is one of my favorite songs, so I am pleased.)

So. There we have it. If you are born today, you can run for sainthood but first you’ll have to change your habits (no pun intended). You have a lot of charisma but that doesn’t mean you should strip and crack eggs on your chest. You need to get a handle on your restlessness and emotional whims, which might be hard because it’s possible you are a born criminal. Good news: You get Douglas Adams and John Barrowman but you’ll also have to take Rupert Murdoch, not that it matters because we know that male Pisces born March 11th are all hideous beasts with no morals, according to Bitter McBitterperson at birthscopes.com.

Alright. I gotta get back to my Beauty Queens and eat me some cake. Hope you all have a grand day, too.

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