A bird pooped on my head this morning.
As I was walking the boy to school, I felt a disgusting plop and I put my fingers up and pulled them away, covered in bird yuck. Ewwwww. The boy, of course, fell over laughing.”A BIRD JUST POOPED ON YOUR HEAD!!!! A BIRD JUST POOPED ON YOUR HEAD!!!!”
Just then, his pal Milo and Milo’s mom, Kathy, caught up to us. “A bird pooped on my mom’s head!” Josh shouted between laughing gasps. People passing by smiled. The smile said, sucks to be you right now.
“That’s supposed to be good luck, you know,” Kathy said.
“Really. It’s good luck to have a bird poop on your head.”
“That’s what they say.”
“Is ‘they’ comprised of people who do not have bird poop in their hair?” I said, wiping frantically at my scalp with a baby wipe.
“You should be in for a very lucky day today. At least it should all be uphill from here.”
When we got to the school, I saw my friends Lina and Debbie. “How are you, my dear?” Lina asked.
“A bird just pooped on my head.”
“That’s a sign of luck!” Debbie said.
“It’s a sign of something. I think of poop in my hair.”
“You were chosen!” Debbie insisted.
“Right. I feel very special. I would hug you but, you know, my head is full of luck right now and I don’t want to share.”
I went to Tea Lounge. My friend Geri made me coffee.
“A bird just pooped on my head,” I told her.
“Oh my god. When? Just now? That’s supposed to be good luck, you know.”
Does everyone know about this but me? Was it in the paper?
“So they tell me.”
The other barista, Mark, sidled over. “What’s up?”
“A bird just shat on Libba’s head.”
“No way. That’s good luck.”
“I’m feeling luckier by the minute. Also I feel a strong urge to put my head under the faucet and rinse with Tide.”
“You should play lotto,” a lady in line prompted.
Or wear a hat, I thought. “It could be worse. A bird once pooped in Cyndi Lauper’s mouth during a concert.” Don’t ask me why I know this. More valuable real estate being taken up in my brain by useless factoids.
“See? Good thing it was just your head,” the lady said.
My friend Brina met me at Tea Lounge for our writing date. I told her about the bird poop. She did not tell me I was lucky. She offered to get me a tea. This is why she is my favorite person today. My phone rang. It was Barry. I took the call outside, keeping a careful distance between my head and any pigeon perching spots. Barry did not sound happy. In fact, he sounded like somebody had stolen his happy and replaced it with a ball of dirty tissues.
“What’s the matter?” I asked.
“You’re not gonna believe this. The ceiling just fell in.”
“I’m sorry, I didn’t hear you well. It sounded like you said the ceiling fell in.”
“The guys were working upstairs and Billy fell through the floor and the ceiling came down on top of my computer,” Barry said.
“Oh my god.”
“My computer’s okay, but now they’re going to have to replace the whole ceiling. It’s covered in plastic right now.” Barry sounded pale. Yes, people can sound pale.
“I will bring you a case of chocolate and a straw,” I promised. “Hey, wanna hear something really funny? A bird took a poop on my head! That’s supposed to bring luck.”
Pause. “I think it brings disease.”
“Oh God. I’m so skeeved. Don’t let the shower fall through the floor before I can wash my hair.”
So that was my day. I’m not feeling any luckier right now. But my hair is really, really, really clean.