Top Ten List of Procrastination Techniques While on Deadline for Novel
9. Do Google search for various disease symptoms. Become convinced you have every single one. Freak out. Consider booking colonoscopy/barium swallow/MRI/bone density test/fasting blood sugar STAT. Remember you don’t have time. Try to write…since you have so little time left on this planet.
8. Eat chocolate chips straight out of bag. Use several to make semi-sweet morsel replica of Stonehenge.
7. Clean perma-grunge from bottom shelf of fridge.
6. Stage tabletop EQUUS using Star Wars figurines and creepy plastic unicorn. Feel wrong. Watch half-hour of “What Not to Wear” to cleanse brain.
5. Fluff pillows. Twice.
4. Take existing scene from novel and rewrite it as “Dr. Who” mini-episode: “Daleks Come to Spence.”
3. Open fridge. Close fridge. Open fridge. Close fridge.
2. Try to interest cat in dangling sock. Endure feline rejection.
1. Discover new Apple Photo Booth option. Take self-portraits using comic book, fish-eye lens, pop art, and thermal camera options. Take pictures up nose. With turtleneck pulled over head. Posing plastic unicorn perched on glasses. Avoid “normal” setting at all costs.